A few weeks ago we had an 'away-day' at work where plans for the next five years in the department were discussed. Not that those discussions will actually lead to anything. The department is not a democracy, as the boss made absolutely clear that day. He was just sounding out opinion, ready to ignore it.
Which makes it worse.
Having a boss whose style is dictatorial (to say the least!) is one thing. Having a boss who makes you think that you have a say, but then makes it perfectly evident that you don't, just defeats me.
There was a room with some extremely intelligent, highly experienced people in it, with years of knowledge and sense but whose opinion and advice will be ignored unless it happens to chime with his. I can hardly bear it.
As I have said in my original post, I have stumbled through life to get here. There was no ‘grand plan’ leading me into a life of academia, just a blundering stagger from school to degree to PhD to job to here. Right now, I feel like my job is too bad to stay in, but too good to leave. There are some real delights in my work – the interaction with the students being a prime example – but there are quite a lot of negatives too. The pay is good, but I am not a very money-driven woman and live quite frugally in all honesty so that’s not keeping me here.
What’s keeping me here, I realise, are fear and laziness. The fear of branching out into something new (and not doing well at it) which allows my laziness about doing something about my life to survive unhindered.
At the moment I am also in a complete slump and my get-up-and-go has got up and gone. I know some of that’s because of the recent family death and the not so relaxing holiday, but I know I need to shake myself awake and make something happen. Life does not appear on silver platters, it would seem.